Raising a child in this day and age is a difficult and dangerous job. Luckily, the Daily Mail is on hand to constantly remind parents of the real and serious threats to their kid’s well being.
In the interests of being public spirited, I’ve collated a top 10 of things the Daily Mail tells us are damaging our children.
Remember – if you’re a responsible parent, you’ll take note and ACT BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE to save your little ones:
Whatever you do, don’t tell your children they’re good at anything, or you’ll wreck their lives – according to this well researched article.
Don’t let the kid see where she’s going in the pram, whatever you do. Make sure they’re staring at your pelvis while you wheel them around – otherwise they’ll grow up anxious and traumatised.
This is a real killer: If you’ve gone through a break-up and yet somehow managed your separation without screaming and throwing pans at your spouse in front of the kids, then shame on you! You’re the worst possible kind of parent – because, apparently, an amicable divorce is every bit as bad for the kids.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of breakups, here’s another great piece about how sharing responsibilities will create “unhealthy attachment issues” – Apparently, kids of separated parents should not be allowed to spend even ONE NIGHT at their Dad’s place: read nonsense
A pretty obvious one, here. Don’t ever let them see a phone, tablet or computer. After all, the Internet’s got nothing on it that isn’t scary and dangerous – and besides, it’s not as if us grown-ups ever look at our phones, is it?
If you do let your kids onto computers, whatever you do, don’t let them speak to their friends on them. According to somebody with an important sounding title, Facebook will literally rewire your child’s brain! You have been warned.
But if you think replacing the ipad with school-books is the answer, don’t be so naive. Your kid’s heavy school bag has probably already done irreparable damage to his spine, you evil, child abusing fool. You might as well be injecting them with heroin!
You haven’t been giving your child 5 portions of fruit and veg a day, have you? How could you? Fruit is evil – didn’t you know that? It will rot your kid’s teeth quicker than coca cola. If you must condemn them by giving them fruit juice – only ever allow it on Saturdays (top boffins say).
A return to form for the Daily Mail, here. Cut price foreign nannies are coming over here, taking our kids. They’re drunk on the school run, they lock them in bedrooms, and they drag them around by the hair. And you don’t know anything about it because you’re not even there, you negligent parent.
And the reason you’re not there, is that you’re off working all hours, like the selfish, so-called-mother that you are. (Oh, and don’t think having the kid’s father stay at home in your place will help, because apparently that does no good at all) Read this, and repent you career obsessed abuser.
And finally, don’t expect to find the answers in one of your poncey modern parenting books. Babies don’t come with manuals for a reason. Don’t, whatever you do try to find out what’s best for your child by reading. Reading is wrong. It’s bad. It’s damaging your children.
Except the Daily Mail, of course. Always read the Daily Mail.
Oh, and read my books too…. because I can absolutely guarantee that the Daily Mail have never said anything bad about them…. yet.